Quarantine Week 4

We are at the end of the COVID-19 pandemic week 4 quarantine. My emotions have swung from being grateful everyone has more time at home to grouchy that everyone has more time at home. I have moments of grace—I look for those moments in each day when I wake up and recall what the day before held.

But seconds after I write down what I remember and before I finish my coffee, I am already disgruntled by the big, hard things going on…like dreading school work, hoping to get some office work done before kids show up at my desk, while not knowing what to do with all the other perplexing thoughts crowding my mind. 

It’s the latter that gets me the most.

A few days ago I texted a friend that I was praying God would use this time to help us all work through what we all needed to work through….that we didn’t miss it. The day after that text, all Hell broke loose. Or Heaven? Is this how God was going to answer my prayer?

I believe sometimes it does feel like Hell when God is doing His most important work on us. Uncomfortable. Uncertain. Unlikely. un Un UN! It’s NOT fun!

I am uncomfortable with no control. I am uncomfortable not knowing.

I am uncertain I’ll see change…ever.

If God is answering my prayer, He is choosing an unlikely path. A path I would not have chosen.

So what do I do in the meantime?

Pray.

Meditate on Scripture.

(this week I’ve been staring at Psalm 91)

Take it one day at a time.

And change the ending of those UN words.

I will not underestimate the God who loves me and who daily displays his mercy, power, and grace on us.

I will ask for understanding for myself and those around me where things are unclear.

And I will trust that God is working in a million untold ways to draw us to Himself, make us more like Him, and to remind us He is with us in the trouble.

How adoption changes....EVERYTHING (series)

Let me just go ahead and apologize right now because I titled this as a "series" but I know good and well that I may get one post written and then not come back for a long time.  Sorry!

I have been noticing changes in me and our life 

that are only so 

because we adopted.

Some unexpected changes.

Kinds of changes that you don't read about 

ahead of time in a book.

FOR EXAMPLE.....

You may have read a previous post A little bit about Emily I wrote 4 years ago.  At that time Emily was in a private school specifically for children on the autism spectrum.  This was a safe, nurturing environment where she learned HOW to learn.  As we looked ahead to adoption, we knew we could not afford the high tuition of private school, there was no way I would throw her to the wolves (have mercy on me) in public school, and so we decided to homeschool. 

Homeschool had it's advantages because it gave us flexibility to all travel when we adopted AND have bonding time when getting all our kids home.

Doesn't that just sound perfect??

(my goodness, I look back and I just die.)

Some of my ideals before adoption as a parent were (are) to overprotect protect, nurture (nice try, but not so much. still trying), and provide the best environment for my kids to thrive. 

I still want all of these things, but I am finding that the best environment for my kids to thrive LOOKS VERY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT I COULD HAVE IMAGINED.

LET ME EXPLAIN.....

We did homeschool (didn't last long), and we did all go to Colombia for 5 weeks to unite our family (you can't even...), and we did cocoon for 3 months after getting home with everyone (I survived it as long as I could).

But hallelujah, praise God, for public school!

5 out of 7 went in December 2012 to public school.  I only kept Emily and Wesley home to finish the program they were doing and to initiate processes with special services at the school for Emily to enter the following Fall.

What has happened since

has really blown me away. 

Have we faced wolves?  

Yes.  More than one child has come home with hurt feelings.

What do we do?  

Pray.  Pray for the one hurt and for the one who does the hurting.

We have also found teachers and coaches who LOVE my kids.

I have seen my kids get hurt and go back the next day, equipped with prayers and support. 

I have seen my kids fail and then succeed. 

I have seen them accomplish far more than they (we) ever imagined. 

I have heard stories of how 

they shine in darkness.

They have learned things and done things 

that I could not have taught them.  

Have they learned more than what I would like them to know? 

Yes.  But with that comes growing in faith (hopefully) in how to handle the things they learn.

If we had not adopted, we would have missed out on so much more than what our big family means to me.  I love my family.  I love all 7 of my kids. 

If I didn't have all 7, I probably would lean towards sheltering and protecting 

a little too much.  

So much so that I would miss 

seeing their potential 

and crazy, big obstacles they overcome.

(this mom would love to tell you more about that 

but I need their permission first.)

So this is the first post in this series...

the changed me who still wants to overprotect, 

but letting God define HOW we will thrive.  

P.S. Please don't think this is a homeschool vs. private school vs. public school discussion.  I have done all 3 and I highly recommend all 3--whatever works best for you and your kids at the present time.

We have no idea

We have no idea....

what all God is doing and going to do. 

 

That's actually from the Bible.

 

But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”—I Corinthians 2:9

 

I really believe that.

 

I feel like I have been hugged from behind

 

this week

 

from God.

 

How does that happen?  What does that look like?

I'm glad you asked!  But I have to give you a little back up info first--

I have REALLY been struggling about "school" since we have been home with our kids.  We kinda have a plan each week--I know we are focusing on language, math, reading, audiobooks. 

I have struggled because everyone needs me. 

Only one is mostly independent. 

I think if we had a reality show it would be called

 

All My Children....

Have Special Needs

So our day is VERY FLUID and I work alongside one while doing activities with another, then another, then another. 

And I don't feel like we get very much done. 

An hour plus passes (or two plus hours when we have interruptions, attitudes, and/or noncompliance) and we get through our stuff. 

Just a side note, our kids' initials spell KOWMESS when put together.  No joke.  When I see the vinyl stickers on the back windows of SUVs, some days I think about getting

 

KOWMESS

HAPPENS

put on the back of Big Blue. 

That's not a joke either.

I label that "stuff" as our "study time" on the wipey board every morning.  Once we make it through our stuff/studies once in the morning, we move on to other things and don't come back to it.  I know learning is taking place in the midst of laundry, meals, wii, laundry, errands, gymnastics, gamecube, laundry, and chasing Maddie home from the park because she got out.....................again.

But I feel like my kids need more than I can give when it comes to pushing them academically. 

So last weekend I put an email out to my homeschool moms group and asked for help.

 I don't always know when to ask for help though.  A few weeks ago, we had our first post-placement adoption interviews and Savannah woke up with an ear/eye infection.  I wasn't sure how to handle the day, and my sister-in-law texted me out of the blue asking to take a couple kids for the day to do school at her house.

That's a hug from God.

What a huge blessing--Marisa and Todd have no idea the impact they are making in our family and on my kids (I Cor 2:9 again) but they have continued to take 2-3 kids once or twice a week to help me out.

Two moms responded immediately to my email.  One mom doesn't even homeschool but offered her house, computers, and tutoring.  She already gave me a house key.  She has no idea (I Cor 2:9).

That's a hug from God.

Another mom emailed me today offering to take the kids to the park in the evenings to give me a little break.  And she invited us to their house for some "study time" with her boys tutoring my little boys and she helping with another one.  She has no idea (I Cor 2:9).

That's a hug from God.

This adjustment has been especially difficult for one of my kids so much so that we have needed extra support.  A counselor friend from church is coming along side helping that child grieve in a healthy way the loss of our old family.  SHE HAS NO IDEA (I COR 2:9).

THAT'S A HUG FROM GOD.

Another friend is taking two of my kids some each week and teaming them up with her kids so they can work on their Little Giant Steps program together.  What used to be such a difficult task for them is now fun and something they look forward to.  SHE HAS NO IDEA (I COR 2:9).

That's a hug from God.

So what am I learning from this?  Jeremy and I have looked at each other often and said, "There's no way we can do school at home....not long term.  There's just no way."  The thing that I am most struggling with, God is showing me there is a way.  We can't do it by ourselves.....at least not right now anyway.  His people, the Body of Christ, are coming along side us to help us do what we cannot do alone.

I'm doing Mindy Ferguson's pilot study on Moses right now and I filled out this chart this morning on what happened through the plagues in Egypt.  I saw with each plague how at first Aaron acts on behalf of Moses, then the Lord, and then by the 6th plague, Moses has the confidence and trust in God to carry out God's directions with boldness.  I feel like Moses right now in how he had so many objections at first to being the guy God had chosen, but God was gracious and affirmed patiently that Moses was the guy.

I have so many objections to homeschooling 7 kids right now--I don't want to do it, it doesn't always work, it's too hard, they need a better teacher, I need HELP right now.

So I have a lot of Aaron's around me to help.  And I am trusting God will graciously affirm what He wants for each of these kids in regard to school.

And the hugs I am getting right now feel like they come straight from Him. 

 

Realizing dreams

Recently I shared some of my big dreams with you. 

WOW---it is so cool to see some of these things unfolding right before our eyes!! 

I really cannot keep up.  I want to just share everything with you right here right now, but I can't!!!!!!! 

And it is really hard not too!!!!

Let me just say....that marriage we have been praying for is holding on. 

God is working.  YEA!!!

(you have no idea how big the mountain range is that God is moving!)

Remember how I wanted to get some bunk beds, just to be ready for "whatever?"

Well, bunk bed #1 has been ordered!

And mattresses are waiting for it's arrival.

Can't say much else about the "whatever" part......yet!

We are starting to share our plans about homeschooling with the kids' schools and it is hard to say good-bye.  We will all miss these people and places that we have known the last few years! 

And I am slowly figuring out what and how we will start this summer with the next chapter ~ really excited about how that is going!

Our next trip to Rwanda....is in the works! 

 

I will share about when we're going

and what we'll be doing

and how YOU can be involved

in the next post! 

(This is the long-awaited Part 3 to our Answers!)

You can't

These past few months as I have been

thinking about homeschooling,

praying about homeschooling,

and now planning,

researching curriculums,

and talking to other homeschool families,

I have to share the most powerful advice I have gotten from one homeschool mom.

Before we made our decision,

I worried,

I fretted,

I felt overwhelmed,

I cried,

I didn't know what or how I would do it.

How would I handle everything and fit it all in?

One afternoon, I was sharing my concern with another homeschool mom and she could see my desperation and hear the defeat in my voice.

I asked the question aloud to myself, not expecting an answer,

"How will I do it all?"

She simply said,

"You can't."

Period.

Those two words changed everything.

E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

As I let that truth sink in,

I felt so relieved.

FREE

And for the first time, I felt no worry, no fear, no anxiety.

And we began to shift our thinking. 

We began to ask ourselves what can be taken off my plate. 

What needs to change to make this work?

WOW!

I can't do it all.

and I am so glad!

Answers Part 2: Emily's response

So.....I'm back!

Part 2 on our answers......

I decided NOT to make an official announcement to the kids that we would be homeschooling everybody.  Instead, I brought it up to Emily first when we were riding home from school.  (I am in the car 3 hours a day commuting to my kids' schools so we have plenty of time to talk.)

Yea us.

=/

I kinda backed into the conversation with something I knew she would love.  We totally enjoy Tim Hawkins---if you haven't heard of this comedian, you gotta check him out on youtube.

H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S

Welllllllllllllll, I signed up for this homeschool conference this summer and Tim Hawkins is giving a concert at the end of the event.  So I started out by telling Emily that I got Tim Hawkins tickets.

She was SO EXCITED!

Then I followed up with an "Oh, by the way...."

She simply responded, "Mom....about homeschool.....I feel kind of nervous.  I still want to see my friends."

That was IT??????????  That was what I was afraid of????????

No "I hate homeschool!"  OR "I DON'T WANT TO HOMESCHOOL UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL."

I tried to conceal the excitement in my voice and had to turn away so she would not be alarmed by my giddy smile and just said, "Oh, sure, we will still see your friends."

And that was it.

I was amazed...at God.

Simply in awe. 

I had been gearing up to listen to crying and gnashing of teeth. 

No tears. 

No opposition.  

And we haven't had any crying or gnashing of teeth in later discussions.

In fact, in another ride to school, she said, "Mom, can we start homeschool in March?"

Cracks me up!!

It kinda made me have to think about my faith.  I wanted to see God work before I stepped out "in faith." 

But that's not faith at all.

It took me stepping out first, and then I saw Him work.

God unfolded a few other details last week that are kind of woven in with this decision.

More to come!

Answers

I sought the Lord, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:4

I have been camping out between Psalm 25 through Psalm 37 lately.  I encourage you to take some time to feast on those chapters yourself. 

Seriously.

It's some good stuff!!

Last week I spent some time fasting and praying over many things.
I had a really LONG list but when I went through it, I couldn't take anything off. 

And looking back, I think how silly that was because seriously....
we are talking about GOD here...
Creator of all
Is anything too difficult for Him?
I mean, really.

Why fast?

I fast when I need to hear God more clearly.  I fast when I need Him to move mountains in my life and in the lives of others.  I fast when we are facing big decisions and cannot afford to make the wrong choice, or when we have to choose between two or three really good options.

It is my desire to follow hard after Him.

So last week, He blessed us with some answers.  Not all at one time, but between Thursday and the weekend, it was neat to see Him unfold His plans.

Psalm 25:14 says "The secret of the Lord is for those who fear Him."

What a privilege to hear from Him. 

How do I hear from Him?
Through His WORD
Through the nudging of the Holy Spirit
Through godly counsel
Through worship

Answer #1
We will be homeschooling all 3 kids starting in August.

That's a biggie.
If you look back at a couple posts, you will read about my struggles, questions, fears that were a part of this decision.

I kept praying for God to change Emily's heart if He wanted me to homeschool.  She had no interest.

Finally, I came to the realization that Emily opposes anything that she is not doing right now, unless it involves chocolate.
=)
It's her nature.  Some may say it is a characteristic of her disability.
Whatever you call it....

I cannot make a major decision based on her anticipated negative response, or we would not even ever get her out of bed in the morning.

And guess what happened!
Did you hear the mountains move?
Can't wait to share more of this one in the next post!!!!!!

BIG Dreams

OK--before I can tell you what God has been up to lately in our household, I have to fill you in....

I have some really big dreams.

And I am so glad I have a husband that listens to me, loves me even with my crazy ideas, and dreams with me.

These are a few of the things I dream about....

(gosh, where do I start????)

First some easy ones (which you know has been on my heart if you read some recent posts)

Restored marriage of new, dear friends

Opening our home to more children

through adoption,

foster care,

or just someone who needs a home for a while.

(like I am ready to buy bunk beds for each of the kids' rooms just to be ready.

Yeah, crazy, I know.)

Being able to homeschool

(this one is more complicated....I would like to homeschool and be really great at it, enjoy every minute of it, still be able to manage my job, not drop out of everything else in life, AND have time for myself.

is that possible?)

Taking new people on trips to Rwanda at least once a year to visit the orphans.

Having a guest room

Paying off Company debt--FAST.

(my husband is a builder and we used to think the worst thing that could happen is that we would have to sell a house for cost.....then we sold two spec homes for less than cost. 

OUCH!)

Seeing my loved one turn around, walk in TRUTH, and be used MIGHTILY by God to bring others into freedom.

OK--so those are a few of my really big dreams.  And I found out this last week that some of these things are connected to one another....
in a way.

I'm really excited to share what God is doing and feel so privileged that He let's us know. 

Psalm 32:8 says "I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." 

Stay tuned....
=)

thinkin' about...homeschool

Okay for some time now, I have been thinking.....
about homeschool.

I NEVER thought I would want to homeschool.  I always thought if I ever did,  it would be because I was FORCED to.

But I am finding that I don't really fit in with the culture around me.  I am okay with that. 

If you have read very much of my blog, you can see I am kinda crazy already.  The thoughts I share on here just confirm it.

My kids are already kinda goofy---one is on the autism spectrum, and the other two don't really have any excuses, but goofy just the same. (and I love 'em!!)

=)

I am okay with them not fitting into our culture too. 
Really. 
I am okay with them being sheltered from a lot of junk.

(and just so you know, if you don't homeschool, I am not one of those parents that thinks everybody should do what I do.  And what I do now may not be what I do next year.  I have learned even with my 3 kids that every kid is different and has different needs.  So if what you are doing is working and bringing glory to God, keep doing it).

=)

So now I am exploring the possibility. 

Asking questions. 

Researching what's out there. 

Trying to figure out how I could fit everything in.  I work.  It helps that my office is at home and my boss is my husband, but still.  Can I handle being wife, mom, office manager and teacher?

(and those are just the four main titles!)

=)

 

If there are other working moms that homeschool out there---how do you do it?

Like I said, I am still very much exploring the possibility and praying that we do the right thing for each one of our kids.  I really love the schools they are attending right now and I don't want to mess up a good thing. 

I am open to not doing the same thing for all three (and counting, Lord willing we may adopt again---posting about that soon!)

There are a few things very appealing about homeschool for me--saving a ton of money on tuition, gas, ez tag, having a more flexible schedule for mission trips, not being in the car 3 hours a day.

But those reasons are really kinda selfish.

Other reasons include bonding and transitioning if we are able to adopt from Rwanda, having a better and deeper relationship with my kids, learning how to teach them in a way that they thrive and progress--not just academically. 

I don't have an answer yet.  
Praying and researching right now.
I would appreciate your prayers--thanks!