Journey of Our First Adoption--- Part 1

How many of us planned how many kids we wanted before we got married?  Some of us probably already had our kids named long before we met our husbands.  When Jeremy and I got married we talked about how many children we would have and he wanted 2, I wanted 4, so we settled on 3.  For so many years I had this dream, this picture of what our family would look like. 

Emily would be 5 years old, Wesley would be 3 years old, and then we would have baby #3.  And I would be done by age 30!  That was my expectation. (oh, little did I know...)

Done at 30--did not happen.  During our process of trying to conceive, I would bring up adoption to Jeremy.  It was often on our anniversary when we would be out to a nice dinner.  It’s not that we had not ever considered adoption.  My sister was adopted and we had discussed early in our marriage that if we ever had fertility problems, we would go the adoption route to build our family.  However, we never imagined having fertility problems after having two biological children.  And Jeremy just wasn't ready.  He had questions and fears about money, bonding, money, would he love this child the same as Emily and Wes, and money.

After two long years of trying to conceive, we finally got pregnant.  But then we miscarried very early in the pregnancy.  It.was.such.a.difficult.loss—it did not matter that I had never met or held that baby.  It was not only the death of a child, but the death of a dream.  After a little time, I brought up adoption again, but Jeremy thought “now we know you can get pregnant and surely it will happen again soon.”  (Yeah right.  By the way, it's been 5 years and I've not had another pregnancy.  My doctor's first question was, "Same husband?")  

Another year went by and I began to fast and pray.  Fasting was kind of new to me.  But I knew that when we search for an answer, long for God to move in a BIG way, and desire clear direction from Him, fasting is key.  I asked God to show me if we would conceive or adopt.  At times I thought I heard Him saying so clearly to me that there was a child for us through adoption, a child needed us, but Jeremy’s heart was not there.  At those times I would tell God, “you don’t need to talk to me about this, you need to talk to him.”  :-/  Sometimes I can't believe how I talk to Almighty God.  How merciful and patient HE is!

During my grief over the miscarriage, God spoke to me about my dreams.  Even though they may have been good or Godly, they were MINE.  And I was grieving over the loss of a dream—not having another child in our family.  God was teaching me and telling me to stop grieving over what I had not gotten because I may very well lose out on what He was going to do—which may not include another child.  (gulp) He told me to stop giving him choices, “God will you do plan A or plan B in my life?”  And to start just seeking Him.  So I shared with Jeremy what God was teaching me and how He changed my heart.  I.was.done.trying.

I think Jeremy was in shock for a few weeks.