How she got here

Last January I was looking ahead to June and thinking, “What the heck is Emily going to do when she graduates?”  We really did not have a plan.  But that changed in a few short weeks.

In February, we had a planning meeting with teachers and faculty at school and we learned about the PATHS Program at Texas A&M.  I devoured the info on the website and showed Emily with much excitement.  She did not quite match my excitement. 

I made her apply anyway.

Emily was invited for an interview in March and our hope was for her to at least have an open mind to the program, and NOT sabotage the interview.  If you look at the info online, you will find that this is an incredible opportunity for adults with disabilities.  I am super impressed with what Texas A&M is doing in this area!  

But there was just one problem….

Emily did not want to have her disability.  

She just wanted to be “normal.”

We have never shied away from the word “Autism” but we also didn’t focus on the label either.  In ARD meetings, we talked about Emily’s strengths and weaknesses and where she needed support.  The word “disability” was just not used.

When you graduate high school, the language really starts to change for a person who receives special services.  Whether we walk into Lone Star Community College, PATHS Program at A&M, or the TWC to apply for vocational services, the word “disability” is not only visible on the walls with “ADA” but it is used frequently in conversation.  This was shocking and set us back a bit. 

We walked through a couple hard months with Emily grieving all over again.  She didn’t want her disability.  She didn’t want a special program.  She didn’t want to have needs.  She didn’t want to have to depend on other people to help meet her needs.  All of this—she communicated to us.  I have to say how proud I am of her for being able to identify and communicate her thoughts in the midst of a really hard time.  

I wish I could do that as well as she did.

So how did she make it through the interview and get accepted into the PATHS Program?  The coolest thing happened the night before her interview.  All the times we brought up the PATHS Program, Emily would get upset and did not want to go or even talk about it.  When I say upset, I mean she was vehemently opposed to it.   It would always end in tears.

In an attempt to avoid her sabotaging the interview, Jeremy talked to her one more time the night before we went.  It started off rough again, but out of the blue, Emily brought up the story of Jonah.  Do you know the story of Jonah from the Bible?  It’s a short book (maybe shorter than this blog post)--I highly recommend you read it for yourself.

Emily began retelling an abbreviated version of the story and how God even used a big fish to get Jonah where he needed to be, and all of a sudden, we hear her say, “So if the PATHS Program is where God wants me, then I need to go.”

Right in front of our eyes, we saw how God used His living and active Word to soften the heart of Emily and give her a willingness to be open to whatever He has for her.  This too was a comfort for me—if God can speak to my daughter and change her mind about the PATHS Program, then I can trust Him with whatever is next.

When we got the news of her acceptance, we were excited!  

Mom and Dad might have been more excited than Emily, but by the time she left June 24, Emily was ready.  She was nervous and excited--like any normal college student leaving home for the first time.  
Drop off was hard as expected, but God is good and we got through it.  And later that night, when we were 140 miles away, we got a sweet reminder of just how much HE HAS GOT THIS.

Ready or not, here we go!

Here we are again, about to take the second to college, and it is NO EXAGGERATION to confess that I did not prepare for this launch.  Not this soon.  Not with this girl.

Emily is my firstborn.  However, when we adopted our kids from Colombia, Emily became the 2^nd oldest.  I did not realize how much that would impact her.  I was sensitive to birth order and we discussed it with friends, family and our social worker before we adopted.  But I thought it would be okay because I already knew that Emily would not be the first to date, first to drive, nor the first to leave the nest.  What I didn’t fully prepare for was Emily’s own realization and grief with not being the first.

When we got Emily’s diagnosis of Pervasive Development Disorder—Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS) at age 7 (a diagnosis that now just falls under the Autism Spectrum Disorder), there was much about her future that became uncertain.  We grieved over future losses—would she ever really be able to learn as her peers, would she have meaningful friendships, would she go to college, get married, have children?

Our own future plans of being empty-nesters by age 50 were interrupted with this diagnosis. (By the way, I AM SO GLAD THAT PLAN WAS INTERRUPTED!!!)  BUT having a diagnosis helped us know how to help Emily.  We found resources and awesome teachers AND we accepted the idea of Emily living with us the rest of our lives if needed.

You know what I didn’t know when she was 7?  I didn’t know she would become one of the most courageous, strong, and perceptive among our family.

Emily is uncomfortable in social situations.  Emily sees things differently—thinks about things differently.  She and I can finish each other’s sentences, but she doesn’t finish my sentences the same way I would, and I don’t finish hers like she would. J

What does courage and strength look like in Emily?  Courage looks like walking into an uncomfortable situation every.single.day when all you want to do is isolate in your safe room.  

Anxiety arises and you go anyway.

That's courage.

Strength looks like walking out the door again and again when you know you could say the “wrong” thing and get those looks from people around you that make you feel stupid.  You have no immediate escape so you stay and endure, and walk out the door again the next day.

Walking out the door again the next day.

That's strength.

One common characteristic of Autism that can present itself is not reading people’s facial expressions and understanding their feelings, and not being able to adequately communicate your own feelings.  Not true for Emily.  When we have a conversation, I observe how keenly aware she is of my response and facial expression after every thing she says.  She glances at her audience whether it’s just one, two or three people in the room to read what their response is and if what she just said will gain approval…acceptance….or not.  

It’s a beautiful yet difficult gift to have. 

It’s difficult when what you say makes you feel unaccepted.  Yet it’s beautiful when it allows you the gift to recognize people’s hurts and show them empathy and compassion.  Emily’s perceptiveness goes beyond reading facial expressions.  She has an ability to describe people’s true intentions and motivation that has been remarkably accurate.

These qualities about Emily—courage, strength, perceptiveness—comfort me a little as we…guess what…..drop her off at college!

  

Tomorrow!  We are taking Emily to Texas A&M and moving her into a dorm on campus where she will be for the next 4 weeks.  If she successfully completes the 4 weeks, Emily will be eligible to complete the next 2 semesters at A&M as a student in the PATHS Program.  The 2 semesters consist of course work and an internship that will give her the opportunity to complete a certification as a Paraprofessional.

Tomorrow is a new beginning for Emily that we never expected to happen.  I can trust God with her because she is His anyway.  And how He got her to this point is nothing short of amazing.  Telling that part of the story will be a delight and comfort to me as I let her go and need to be reminded that He has got this.