Are we there yet?

When my kids were babies and I was exhausted, my friends who had teens told me, "Just wait."  Now my babies are teens and 3 years ago (almost) we added more to the mix so I have 4 teenagers and 3 more coming up. 

Just in case you were wondering why I don't come here often.  

It's because my friends were right!  Teenagers are hard.  I am still exhausted.  And those same friends are telling me, "Just wait until they are in their 20's.  You still worry.  You just trade your worries for different worries."  So I am kindly telling my friends to "Shut up!"

Another reason I haven't come by here much is because I have been doing some work the last 6 months.  Not the kind of work I get paid for, but the kind of work that I hope will pay off in the long run.

I have been (and still am) in the process of figuring out why I do what I do--in regard to relationships....with my husband, with my kids, with my family and friends.

Why are my buttons my buttons?

What is shaping the decisions I make with how I parent?

I started thinking about these questions over a year ago and a friend recommended a book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich as a place to start exploring. 

This is hard work.  Finding the answers to these questions is hard because it requires looking back.  Not just looking back, but telling my story--the good, the bad, and all the in-between--so that I can fully accept, forgive, take joy in, and feel sorrow....and be covered in God's grace as I live today and look ahead.

Why?  Why do this?  Isn't life hard enough?  Isn't each day full enough?  Why make it harder?

I started this mess journey thinking about my kids.  How can I lead them to a place I haven't been myself? 

I want them to be able to give and receive. 
I want them to be able to express a wide range of emotions (they are kinda good at that already--even within 1 hour of the day). 
...But do it in appropriate ways. 
I want them to be able to ask for help when they need it. 
I want them to be able to set boundaries. 
I want them to be able to have fun and play. 
I want them to be able to handle conflict and negative emotions. 
I want them to understand their strengths and weaknesses. 
I want them to be comfortable in new situations. 
I want them to be able to take risks. 
I want them to be able to delay gratification. 
When they are upset, I want them to be able to seek help and comfort.

Milan and Kay call that person a "Secure Connector."  You might remember from the Child Development course you took in college that this person has a "Secure Attachment."

That's where I want to head.  That's why I am doing this.  It's not perfect and I don't have a perfect history, but they say it's worth it and I am believing that it is.

I might share a few things I am learning along the way.

Pine Cove

I want to share with you about one of our favorite places to go on the planet.

A friend told me about Pine Cove a LONG time ago but we never made it a priority to go.  While we were in Colombia getting our kids, we received an email that our family of nine had been gifted a week at Pine Cove Family Camp.

We had NO idea what a gift this would turn out to be!

One friend from camp described that she felt like they were crash landing with one wing on fire as they entered camp.  

WE KNEW THAT ALL TOO WELL.  

 Pine Cove has been spiritual refreshment.

It has encouraged renewal in our relationship.

It has helped strengthen our family.

Pine Cove has provided exceptional experiences for our kids to grow closer to God, each other, and new friends.

 

The counselors are over the top AMAZING!

OVER.THE.TOP.

And it is just FUN!

 

We have been blessed to attend 2 family camps and also serve other families over Thanksgiving Camp.

 

Pine Cove has so much to offer!  You can find out more here.   You can check out Camp in the City, Castle Rock, and Overnight Youth Camp.

I want to pass along a special message from our friend, Randi Shaffer, about discounts you don't want to miss.  Don't let cost deter you from signing up.  Scholarships are available!

Mark your calendar for February 2!!

 

February 2nd is Super Goal Monday. It's the day after the big game, and it's registration day at Pine Cove. If you've never been to Pine Cove or you're a long time camper Super Goal Monday is the day to register.

Camp in the City is Pine Cove's summer day camp right in your neighborhood - and registration opens February 2nd. Register on Monday to reserve your spot, space is limited.

And for one day only on February 2nd Pine Cove is offering a special discount for first time campers at any of their overnight youth camps and Castle Rock, their on-site day camp. If you use the Coupon Code SUPERGOAL you can receive an extra $50 off each overnight youth camp registration and $20 off Castle Rock. 

To register, go to pinecove.com or give them a call at 877-4-PineCove to find out more.

 

And we have 1 $200 OFF coupon for a first time student camper!

It expires February 2nd so be the first to comment below if you want this coupon!!

Adoption Saved Me (changes everything series)

Some might look at adoption as saving a child.  
I look behind me and see how adoption has saved me.

It has saved me from getting too comfortable. 
(I can barely think to expand on that because there is so much to say and I can't put it all together in my head or in a nice, neat list that you would want to even read.....but here we go.)
It's not comfortable seeing my issues and weaknesses come out. 
It's not comfortable learning how to love in a way that does not come naturally.  (especially when it is not returned)
It's not comfortable being someone people admire for what we did when what we did makes the first two things happen.

It has saved me from thinking that having children is all about....me, what I want, when I want, who they look like, how many I have.
I look back at my 25 year old self when I gave birth to my first child and I don't think it is wrong to have dreams and thoughts about what you want in a family.  But I think we need to continually put those dreams and thoughts before the Lord and ask for His will and His way to be done.  Sometimes in joy and expectation and sometimes in grief and feelings of such longing and not understanding.

It has saved me from focusing too much time and money in a child's sport, hobby, passing interest. 
A. We don't have the time nor the money.  B. I am glad we don't.
Again, I don't think it's wrong to be involved and invested in these things.  I am learning....STILL....to focus more on developing and encouraging my kids' walk of faith, their character, and their effort and attitude in life over their performance.
Still learning.

It has saved me from thinking that I need to make my children happy.
This is a tough one.  We do things for them and with them that make them happy, but we also do things that are really hard on them. Not for the sake of making it hard on them, but it just happens....because we are a large family, because we value giving and people, because we adopted, because mom hates screens, because we have boundaries (they would say "STRICT rules"). 
This is a tough one because I hope that one day they will look back and see how God was with them and taught them and prepared them.  But they could also ditch God and say that was too hard and I am not following a God like that.

I don't know if this really counts, but I have noticed some things that I no longer do now that I have a larger family...

I buy the cheapest, largest, singly-ply toilet paper I can get.  I only notice when I go to other people's houses and find soft, cushiony toilet paper--and I remember what a toilet paper snob I used to be.

Going out to eat.  We rarely take our kids out to eat at a restaurant.  Again, has to do with the budget, but also it is just not fun.  It's hard to please 9 people. It's hard to have a conversation.  It's hard to enjoy a meal with kids constantly getting up, or are giddy with laughter because of the experience or maybe the high fructose corn syrup in their drink!  Most of the time I eat out with just my favorite guy.

So we have passed the 2 year mark since bringing our last 4 kids home....thinking about another post.

Prayer for The Body

More on how adoption changes everything is to come, 

but I wanted to jot down something that's been on my mind.

Have you ever read Scripture and it stops you in your tracks?  

Like you stop and think, is HE talking about me?  To me?

That's how I felt the other day when I came across Ezekiel 33:30-33.  As I reread it I still feel a knot in my stomach and my heart sink. 

I read that and I wonder if that is us?  

Do we go to church and listen to a lovely song 

and feel good as we watch a beautiful musical performance 

and with our mouths speak love 

but our hearts are pursuing our own gain?  

Do we sit before our pastors and hear their words each week,

but do not put into practice what we hear?

I don't want that to be us.

A few days after coming across these verses, I read Acts 9:31.

 

I was so encouraged that I kept coming back to this verse 

and began praying it for me and for our church.

Peace, edified, fear of the Lord, comfort of the Holy Spirit, multiplied.

 Will you pray with me?

How adoption changes....EVERYTHING (series)

Let me just go ahead and apologize right now because I titled this as a "series" but I know good and well that I may get one post written and then not come back for a long time.  Sorry!

I have been noticing changes in me and our life 

that are only so 

because we adopted.

Some unexpected changes.

Kinds of changes that you don't read about 

ahead of time in a book.

FOR EXAMPLE.....

You may have read a previous post A little bit about Emily I wrote 4 years ago.  At that time Emily was in a private school specifically for children on the autism spectrum.  This was a safe, nurturing environment where she learned HOW to learn.  As we looked ahead to adoption, we knew we could not afford the high tuition of private school, there was no way I would throw her to the wolves (have mercy on me) in public school, and so we decided to homeschool. 

Homeschool had it's advantages because it gave us flexibility to all travel when we adopted AND have bonding time when getting all our kids home.

Doesn't that just sound perfect??

(my goodness, I look back and I just die.)

Some of my ideals before adoption as a parent were (are) to overprotect protect, nurture (nice try, but not so much. still trying), and provide the best environment for my kids to thrive. 

I still want all of these things, but I am finding that the best environment for my kids to thrive LOOKS VERY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT I COULD HAVE IMAGINED.

LET ME EXPLAIN.....

We did homeschool (didn't last long), and we did all go to Colombia for 5 weeks to unite our family (you can't even...), and we did cocoon for 3 months after getting home with everyone (I survived it as long as I could).

But hallelujah, praise God, for public school!

5 out of 7 went in December 2012 to public school.  I only kept Emily and Wesley home to finish the program they were doing and to initiate processes with special services at the school for Emily to enter the following Fall.

What has happened since

has really blown me away. 

Have we faced wolves?  

Yes.  More than one child has come home with hurt feelings.

What do we do?  

Pray.  Pray for the one hurt and for the one who does the hurting.

We have also found teachers and coaches who LOVE my kids.

I have seen my kids get hurt and go back the next day, equipped with prayers and support. 

I have seen my kids fail and then succeed. 

I have seen them accomplish far more than they (we) ever imagined. 

I have heard stories of how 

they shine in darkness.

They have learned things and done things 

that I could not have taught them.  

Have they learned more than what I would like them to know? 

Yes.  But with that comes growing in faith (hopefully) in how to handle the things they learn.

If we had not adopted, we would have missed out on so much more than what our big family means to me.  I love my family.  I love all 7 of my kids. 

If I didn't have all 7, I probably would lean towards sheltering and protecting 

a little too much.  

So much so that I would miss 

seeing their potential 

and crazy, big obstacles they overcome.

(this mom would love to tell you more about that 

but I need their permission first.)

So this is the first post in this series...

the changed me who still wants to overprotect, 

but letting God define HOW we will thrive.  

P.S. Please don't think this is a homeschool vs. private school vs. public school discussion.  I have done all 3 and I highly recommend all 3--whatever works best for you and your kids at the present time.

Flooded

It's the end of the six weeks and oh my goodness, 

do you know what that means?  

It means I put myself back in bed after getting 7 kids off to school.  

It means the thoughts that have been going through my head all summer and here at the beginning of school are flooding my brain and it's time to get some of them out.

It means lots of prayers today for kids to pass tests and to remember to turn in assignments. 

It means I am not even motivated to get make-up on, laundry started continued,  and grocery shopping done. 

It means it's okay to rest.

Come by again soon.  

It's the kind of day I want to sit with a friend 

and talk for hours.

Wrecked

Recently I was asked what I would say to someone who has 3 kids and is in the process to adopt a sibling group of four. (Yes, believe it or not, there are other crazies out there).

And the first thing that came to my mind was...

Be prepared to have your family wrecked 
for the glory of God.

Wrecked in a good way.

This friend who asked helped me think about it like this...

My husband is a builder.  He not only does new home construction, but he remodels.  And when you remodel a home, you have to tear down the old.

You wreck it, 

 make a mess of everything

 and sometimes completely gut it out

And meanwhile friends and neighbors nod and say with a smile, "Everything is going well, right? Oh it will be beautiful when you are finished."  And as you live in the mess around you, all you can think about is how much you hate your life.  And how you have ruined everything.  And you wonder if you made a mistake.  And even though you are tearing out walls and old tile or carpet, you remember you once found comfort within those walls and old carpet.

The rebuilding takes time.  It feels like forever.  You are counting down the days and trying to believe it will get better.  Along the way you see some progress.  And your response to well-meaning, inquisitive friends is, "OVERALL, we are doing okay."  BIG EMPHASIS ON THE WORD OVERALL.  Like when you think about what you have done and what all has happened, and how everyone in your walls is having to adjust, be inconvenienced, adapt to making it in a really hard situation--Sometimes you are amazed at how well everybody is doing when you consider E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.  And you look back and do not know how you have come this far.  How you have survived.  And you swear there is no way you could do it again.

So here are some practical thoughts I would share with another mom and dad who currently have children, and plan to add multiple children at one time.  I am not saying your experience will be the same as ours, but these are some things to ponder...

• A lot of people you encounter will think you are amazing and will tell you so.  And perhaps you think you have done something great for these kids.  But that kind of implies your kids should be grateful.  And then you may get frustrated when they are not acting grateful.  They ARE kids.  They may have a better life, more love, more opportunity, but they may REALLY miss their country, culture, birthfamily, and friends.  They may have the guts to tell you that you do not feel like mom and dad.  Some days, they may really wish they could go back.  And they may not tell you "I love you too" for a REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG TIME.
• Your weaknesses.  What are they?  What are you afraid to admit about yourself?  What did you not want to talk about on your homestudy?  When you are stressed and exhausted and losing your hair everyday in the shower, your weaknesses come FRONT AND CENTER.  In.Your.Face. (and in the faces of those that live within your walls).  This is the everyday reminder to yourself that you are not amazing.  Know what your weaknesses are or at least begin to recognize them.  And when they seem to overcome you, lean in closer to His Word.  His strength is made perfect in what?  Your weakness.
• Have low expectations your first year as you go through Holidays, birthdays, and other special occasions.  This is where we found the loss of the old family met our new, bigger family most and it was difficult sometimes to navigate.  For the sake of your old kids, you can't just throw out everything you used to do, but for the sake of your new kids, you need to create new family life experiences for everyone that will become meaningful for everyone.
• Replace old family photos with new ones--do this quickly.  I regret not taking down photos and putting up new ones fast enough.  Even if your displayed photos were expensive and you created a beautiful arrangement, replace them if they do not include your new kids.  It doesn't matter if you have other places in your home that you create a spot for the new photos.  The old photos can be saved and treasured and remembered one day many years from now, but get them off the wall if you do not have your new kids' photos delightfully displayed in the same manner and with the same care.
• You and your husband are a team.  You will feel like the losing team most of the time.  However, when you both are sinking at the same time, do not lean on each other.  You will only push the other further under water.  Get outside support--a friend, pastor, counselor.  Even in the craziness, nurture your relationship little by little.  Do those things for each other that make you feel loved and supported.
• You have not been called to rescue or save your kids.  Your job is to point them to the Rescuer.  To the Savior.
• When you fail, say you're sorry and remember He is compassionate and slow to anger and abounding in love. YAY for grace.

Some people may tell you it takes special people to adopt large sibling groups or older kids, but I don't think so.  I am not special.  I fail miserably at times.  But GOD is sovereign.  He is our Redeemer.  He equips.  He is enough.  And He has this for me--to mold me, teach me, to conform me to His image.  People asked Jesus in John 6:28 "What shall we do, so that we may work the works of God?" and He answered "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent."

I believe in Him.  I trust in Him.  That is the work.  

Where are you at?  Are you home with your multiples in the middle of a mess?  Are you just starting your journey or are you waiting for your kids to finally come home?  I am praying for you.  Seriously.  I am.  This is not easy and I'm convinced it never will be, but that's where I am most aware of my need for Him. (love what Jen Hatmaker says about year two)

So back to the remodel analogy.  My friend who is letting me share her remodel pictures said this,

"I thought it was great the way it was before....

I had no idea how good it could be when it was remodeled!"

My family may have been great the way it was before....but I had no idea how much better it could be when we said YES to adoption.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations 

forever and ever. 

Amen. 

Ephesians 3:20-21